One of my favourite movies is Keeping the Faith. One of the best parts in that movie is when Ben Stiller (as a Rabbi) is mentoring a boy in his temple, and he tells him to "embrace the suck"... the kid ends up chanting "I love that I suck!" to a beat Ben Stiller's playing on the bongo drum.

Two things: first, we don't have to be good at everything; second, most things turn out better when you have confidence.

I'm thinking about these things tonight because I have this feeling lately that I kind of suck at everything I'm doing. I made this resolution to cook and bake more (how this didn't end up on the 26x26 I have no idea) and it's really been disheartening. In the past two weeks I've had cookies that didn't melt down, bread that didn't rise, chewy pancakes, soup that oddly separated, dishes that I've spent HOURS on turned out exactly the same as old standards.

Two of those things (the separated soup and the bread that didn't rise) happened tonight alone. I really have no idea why I suck at this so bad. I followed the instructions to the letter on the bread recipe. I had a timer and I had it going to each step. I really don't get it. The soup either. Sometimes I think I tend to wing it when I shouldn't, so I went against my instinct and followed the instructions exactly when it came to making a white sauce (mix the flour with the milk? I've never made it that way. Flour always goes in the butter. Always.) Added it to the soup stock, put on the lid to simmer, came back later and... it was all weird flour-y, milky bits separated from the stock. WTF? All I know is, the blender saved the day.

But you know what? I almost don't care. Because I LOVE cooking. And baking. And as sad as it is when it doesn't turn out... I still love prepping, and chopping, and whisking, and mixing, and flipping, and all of that. (I don't really love blending. Not when it takes like five blender-fulls to get through a pot of soup. Ugh.)

So, oh well. I suck. I don't exactly love that I suck. But I love, despite the sucking.

(I sort of suck at blogging too. Which took a long time to admit, because of what little pride I can cling to after the whole English Lit/Philosophy degree thing. I mean really: I spend five years writing essays, but I can't blog worth a damn? Yikes. And no, I'm really not fishing for compliments there. I'm talking about my personal standards. Y'all can think what you like.)

Anyway. I did manage to do some super spring cleaning today. We're talking pulling out the fridge and stove and scrubbing down EVERY SURFACE in my kitchen and bathroom (including walls). It's hard to screw up washing a wall. (Even though I spent four straight hours cleaning and my living room and bedroom are still a mess. Whatevs.)

I also biked to MEC and back (about... 150 blocks, or so?) which made my day. I sense there is a bicycle post in my future.

You know what? Today was a really good day.

* I really think I need to start enforcing the media-free nights from my 26x26 soon. I don't think all the aimless internet use is helping my depression much.

* Lately, all communication feels really hard. And I don't feel equipped to keep up with people. It's like everyone is whipped up in this storm blowing around me and I'm kind of just standing there trying to keep everyone in sight.

* This "take a photo every day" resolution was masochistic. It was super fun for the first two or three weeks. Now I'm just annoyed with it. If you happen to be following my progress, be prepared for many photos of such thrilling subject matter as my kitchen cupboards.

* New thought: should my photos express how I do feel, or how I want to feel? Because I've been taking these dreary pictures (in my defense, I've always had an affection for drear) but I'm starting to wonder if that'll have the equivalent effect of writing too many sad things in your diary (dwelling). Maybe I should try to capture the world I see when I'm feeling hopeful? Is that the photographic equivalent of positive thinking?

* My fine art class is fun, except I've become extremely uncomfortable with this idea that my photos are art. They aren't. My class spent all this time analyzing like 45 prints and I just kept thinking, "This isn't me. This is me for the past 30 days. This is me when I've forgotten to take photos until after dark." So the whole thing feels a bit like playing dress up, if you know what I mean.

* I had a really good day at work today. The kind where I remember how good I really have it, and felt blessed.

* I love my bicycle. I'm excited to ride it tomorrow.

* I want to bake bread tomorrow, but I'm scared because I haven't found a good recipe.

* My knitting group is planning so much exciting and inspiring stuff. I really hope I can re-prioritize knitting in my life and participate fully.

* My pants are too tight these days. Must remedy this. Sadly, this directly contradicts my previous resolution to bake more.

* A laser pointer was BY FAR the best toy we've gotten Hobbes yet. Except I think it might make him go mental. We'll see.

* Missing my Mama, as always.

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - FDR

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

"The best way out is always through." - Robert Frost

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." - Confucius

"This is the highest wisdom that I own; freedom and life are earned by those alone who conquer them each day anew." - Goethe

"If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise." - William Blake

"The drops of rain make a hole in the stone not by violence but by oft falling." - Lucretius

"In this world, there is nothing softer or thinner than water. But to compel the hard and unyielding, it has no equal. That the weak overcomes the strong, that the hard gives way to the gentle - this everyone knows. Yet no one asks accordingly." - Lao Tzu

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist Proverb

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

* I am using my "happy dance" userpic for this post. Because it seems I haven't posted a lot of happy-dance-worthy content in this blog. But that userpic makes me wanna happy dance, yanno?

* I love a southern accent. LOVE. I find it makes sweet people so much more endearing, villains so much more sinister, etc. It's like it amplifies everything.

* I'm curious if the open-mouth-gum-chewers just always sit by me on the bus, or if there really are that many open-mouth-chewers out there?

* There are few things so disappointing as a batch of failed baking. (Well, actually many things, but in the moment it sure feels that way.)

* I'm going to a little birthday cocktail party tonight, and the birthday girl (and host) has guinea pigs. I AM SO EXCITED. (love guineas!)

* I am addicted to "XXX" flavoured Vitamin Water. I think it tastes like watered-down melted jell-o in the most positive way (even though I know that sounds gross). Alex thinks I'm ridiculous for paying so much with "nothing in it" - however, I would counter that calories do not constitute value. Also, I don't buy it that often.

* My budgeting is going awesome and it is SO. MUCH. FUN. I should have done this long ago. It appeals to the very, very small hyper-organized and controlling part of my personality. Now, the question: how to apply this part of my personality to things like housecleaning? If only housecleaning involved more paperwork.

* So, it's cool to put Vitamin Water under the "grocery" budget instead of my "coffee/lunch/snacks" budget so long as I buy it from Safeway, right?

I've been trying to meal plan a little better, and cook from recipes. This week, I had some moderate success.

On the weekend, I made baked ziti. I've wanted to make this for forever, after hearing about it in practically every episode of Sopranos for five seasons. Well, imagine my disappointment when I learned that ziti is just a noodle that's almost identical to penne, and they don't even sell it in a regular grocery store around here anyway. The recipe sounded good, but at the end of the day, it really wasn't much different than the lasagna that I already know how to make from memory. Although, the switch from ground beef to italian sausage was nice, as well as the fact that I made the tomato sauce from scratch. Ah, well.

Last night, just for novelty, I tried making chicken tortilla casserole, which was quickly nicknamed "nacho barf" by Alex. It was kind of a fun idea, but essentially it tastes just like nachos but softer and more filling. It was pretty good, and the shredded chicken was nice, but I got sick of it pretty quickly.

So, not a resounding success exactly, other than the fact that I actually followed through and did it. I think it will just be more of a learning curve to figure out what we would really love to eat. Silly, I know... you'd think it would be easier. Tomorrow, I'm going to stick with what I know and make a roast with mashed potatoes, broccoli and butternut squash. Without a recipe.

Tonight: baking. But I'd better settle on a recipe soon because it's getting late...

I visited ING today (their only "branch" is three blocks from my work. Win!) and I have to say: OH MY GOD. It's just as awesome and easy as advertised. I can't believe I didn't think to do this a year or two ago.

My savings account went from 0.25% to 1.20%
My Tax Free Savings Account went from 1% to 3%

There are no fees. At all. From ING or my own bank (BMO). Not a single one. And unlimited transfers. Not to sound like an advertisement. I'm just totally impressed.

One more thing to scratch of my list. I feel productive.

I wish there was a bookmarks feature in google reader... so I could save all the webpages of the non-blogging photographers I like in the same place I bookmark the bloggers. Ah well.

Note: interesting how few active Vancouver wedding photographers are actually members of the PPABC and PPOC?

I spent some time going through my flickr sets to pick out photos to include in my little online portfolio. I'm not super happy with most but I'd like to get something online... I can cycle out the old ones and include new as time goes on.

But WOW - it's so interesting to see how quickly your style/skill/etc changes. I keep bringing up photos I remember loving and feeling so proud of and going "... oh. Really?"

I'm going to need to reprocess ALL of my old photos in order to bring them in-line. Fun!

... and I'm not being sarcastic. I'm excited. Just keeping my fingers crossed that my computer doesn't die in the process.

Sidenote: my photo from yesterday sucked total balls. All my photos were SO noisy it was heartbreaking. Obviously I should have been smart and brought my tripod. Even 800 iso on my camera is painful. </gearlust>

If I could take photos of my coworker and friend, Tertia, every day, I would be a happy girl.



(Even if the technology failed me on this shot. Or, I failed the technology? Whatever.)

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Okay, so I get that file compression = bad.

But, I don't get how the following happens. Does my camera just suck? Or is this normal?

(eta: when I say "the following", I don't just mean the degradation from RAW through to JPG... I also mean the fact that I don't think the RAW file looks very good to begin with. I think I just really wish digital WAS film, sometimes...)

Note: at no point was this file enlarged past 100%







I don't get it. But it makes me want to scream.

PS - oh, and for added frustration? My computer is totally unable to handle the combination of running Photoshop AND dealing with TIFF files. This is what happens every time I try to do anything with one:



I know they say gear doesn't make the photographer, but I sure bet it fucking helps.

Immediately after posting my last note, I read on the front page of the Vancouver Sun that Duthie Books is closing down. I immediately felt a bit sad and dirty about my excitement over Chapters gift cards.

I also felt a bit ashamed to admit that, despite years of popping in, I don't think I've ever actually bought a book there. Sure, I've bought books from independent bookstores and used bookstores. But never that particular one, which I've always actually quite loved.

I'm at this stage in my life where I'm really struggling with my values. I want to support local, small businesses. I want to eat locally grown food and support my community. But, at the same time, I'm young and struggling financially.

I hate feeling like no matter how well you live your life, the 25% or 50% of the time that you don't (or aren't able) do what you should seems to overshadow the 50% or 75% of the time that you do. Baby steps count, right?

*sigh*

Goodbye, Duthies. I'll miss you. I'm sorry I didn't do my part.

In the last month I have collected $80 worth of Chapters gift cards. Also, I received my annual Visa cashback and it was $20 (which I clearly don't understand, as pretty much all I used that card for was my gym membership, and some cash on my road trip vacation?).

So I have $100 to spend on books without any impact on my budget whatsoever.

... I'm so overwhelmed. What to buy?

I'm thinking it should be something big, extravagant, and expensive. Like a huge coffee table book by a photographer who inspires me. Something I would never give myself permission to buy without free money.

I'm so excited :D

It likely wasn't worth the expense, but I'm still glad I went.

I get a special enjoyment out of snowboarding, because I'm AWFUL at learning anything physical. Consider: most people learn to link turns in a few days. It took me until my third season. So, now that I'm actually pretty good at it, it's extra-satisfying.

That said: I still suck sometimes. Racing down a smooth blue run, I caught my back edge on something (um, snow?) out of nowhere and flipped downhill onto my back. There's something extra special about falling backwards downhill... your head just has that much further to travel before impact. I knocked my helmet and goggles askew and knew instantly that I was in for it. Fast forward to this morning, and I can't turn my head. That part doesn't surprise me; however, the shooting pain right at the back of my skull is a bit concerning. Good thing I have my second physio appointment lined up tomorrow. Ugh.

(Sidenote: I can't understand people who don't use helmets. Alex doesn't, and it worries me. Maybe I'm extra-clutzy, but I fall at LEAST once a season in a way that would definitely result in concussion were it not for the helmet. Ice, rocks, trees... all obstacles while flinging yourself down the mountain on a slippery board. C'mon people!)

Blogged.

NOTE: It is absolutely crazy how much different this photo looks on my right monitor vs. my left (on my work computer). Posting photos online requires a lot of work to subdue my control issues. Hopefully, it looks the way I want it to, for most viewers.

Also: I can never get over how asymmetrical my face is.

So far, kitty is fine. Just waiting to see if the yarn makes a reappearance.

Weekends always end too quickly. Sometimes I think I'd be happier working four ten hour days and having three weekend days every week. Or, better yet - just four eight hour days. Whatever.

One day, the student loan will be paid off, the nest egg will be safely tucked away, and I will be able to pursue my dream of entrepreneurship and doing work I am passionate about. One day.

Tonight I holed up with Julie & Julia, some homemade Mexican food and some knitting. It was nice. Now I'm listening to the rain fall and finishing my tea before bed. Reading about Annie Leibovitz, yet again, from her huge anthology that my father gave me for my birthday. I don't care what anyone says, I really love her and her work. It was a perfect present - it makes my heart swell each time I look at it. Because I love it, and because he knew I would.

Tonight, she's reminding me that not every photo needs to be technically perfect in order to have worth. Even a blurry or soft photo can have meaning; have something to say. (For personal work, anyway.) That's a reminder I needed.

She's also reminding me how much I love New York. I'd really love to go there in the autumn or winter. Someday.

Tonight my cat ate an 8" strand of DK weight yarn. I'm pretty worried about him... more so because he'll have to be alone all day tomorrow. I'm not sure what time Alex gets off work, and my new Photography class is from 6-9pm. I hope he doesn't get sick.

(I love this because Hobbes is the background texture, and I'm not sure how many people would figure that out :) )

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blogged.

365 is going really well so far. Learning a thing or two about myself.